I had no idea how heavy my brain had become, not in weight, rather, the feeling of being saturated with so much painful sensory information, another drop would burst the bubble and leak out in the form of hurt, mainly, hurting others through my actions, or inability to connect with them in a way that they needed.
For many years I simply stuffed my emotions as if nothing bothered me, while secretly dying on the inside. I acted cool, like I had it all together and had no fucking idea what the fuck I was talking about.
The thing is, I really wanted to ‘get out’ of this feeling and had no idea how to do that, or let others know how I felt. The words always escaped me, robbed by my emotions of the truth that could set me free.
While most parents and people truly do the best they have with what they know, things fall through the cracks, like how important it is to feel ok with not being ok, and saying that (because they probably weren’t taught).
Unconscious incompetence …
Putting food on the table, paying the bills, working hard at a job and looking like you’re leading the pack aren’t things that are worth more than being present with the people you care for, and who care for you, by giving them your presence.
But … if you don’t know that, because you weren’t shown that, how do you be that?
Many, and I mean most … don’t.
They don’t know what they don’t know, or why they should put in the work.
It takes effort …
The sheer number of folks in the world who grow up learning a set of values and morals that are instilled into them, not installed by them, and never challenge them, is bonkers to me.
People will say ‘That’s the way I am’, without ever taking ownership of who they actually are. They’ve just been programmed by the environments they grew up in and spend the most time in.
Not realizing if they learned it, they can unlearn it, and put something in its place that they choose.
What they do know isn’t actually something they can articulate, either, unless they begin to excavate the root of the issue, which isn’t pleasant in feeling or doing.
They just know it hurts …
And like so many who hurt, a few things are possible.
They hurt other people, as I did, and, most likely, you have too with some behavior of yours that went unchecked until dissociating from your pain backfired and cost you something you loved, by saying or doing things you can’t take back.
Then there is an opportunity for growth, a window for new perspective, because you have become confused as to how what you used to do to get what you want is no longer working, it’s hurting you and those around you.
Where did those hurtful things come from?
Others get quiet …
They are really adept at talking about everything but themselves and keeping conversation on the surface, or about what they know. They don’t like to be seen in any light they didn’t turn on.
Ask about them and the conversation will turn toward a different subject, something they’ve studied, or distracted themselves with recently, like a new pet or vacation.
They don’t know what they don’t know, either, and aren’t looking to start conversations. They like staying in the shallow water of ‘light and easy’.
And if you ask too much …
They’ll just find new people who think like them and certainly don’t tolerate much thinking outside of what they know. It makes them scared that they don’t know something, and might look stupid.
Not realizing that if the person who they told that to would also share that they themselves feel stupid about things they don’t know, we’d all actually be a little less stupid.
Isn’t is stupid to feel alone feeling stupid, when, most likely, you know someone else who also doesn’t like feeling stupid, and is probably feeling alone?
Then you’re not alone …
Life becomes a little less sucky when you start to believe you’re not alone with how you feel … but … if you don’t get over feeling stupid, how will anyone know if you don’t express yourself?
And if you don’t know how to share how you feel, then find someone who shares how they feel, and listen.
That person may resonate, or may not, however, that information can guide you towards knowing more about how you actually feel.
Will you know what that feels like?
If you liked them, borrow what you want from their style and incorporate your own where needed.
If you didn’t, remember that and don’t repeat it.
The rest, discard.
It’s ok to not know! Please share below what you don’t know 🙂