When I found the letter my brother had written and handed in for college, the night he took his life, I wanted to die immediately. The shame I felt and the guilt I had over knowing how rotten I’d been to him, when he needed me most and I wasn’t there for him, brought me to my knees.
The thought of it used to push me to the edge of normality on a regular, daily basis. I remember times when I was white-knuckling it, minute by minute.
When I got the call that my cousin Jimmy had passed away, 1 year and 22 days after my brother, I went off into another tailspin of hell. I hadn’t seen him much in the 1 year and change after my brother passed away, and I know it broke his heart on some level.
On both of those occasions, and many of the nights in between their deaths, things got darker and quieter. So much so that even though I had decided to live, I wasn’t sure if I could make it through the day. That was many of those 387 days. And many since.
It didn’t get easier …
What I’ve found out after some heavy trauma in my life is that it will wreak havoc on your life unless and until you heal the pain of the trauma that still lingers in your body and nervous system. You know, that shit that still ‘makes’ you pissed off and yet you haven’t figure out why yet.
The thing may have happened years ago, and yet you may not realize that the thought of it makes it like it’s happening all over again, for real and you’ll react in the now as if it is a threat.
Or, you’ve dissociated from the trauma so much that you can’t feel anything about it, you just know that you hurt, aren’t sure what to do about it and want it to go away, so you ‘pretend’ that it doesn’t exist and operate mentally from that fractured state, leaving parts of you at war.
They are …
If you haven’t dealt with the fallout from your trauma, then your internal mechanisms are most certainly at war with each other.
Parts of you have been hidden away, too vulnerable for the light of day, or so you think, and instead, sub-conscious protectors have stepped up in their place.
Anger, rage, frustration, irritability, sadness and more can ‘protect’ you from having to discuss or even feel that pain again. In fact, unless you’re willing to tolerate the feel of it, you probably won’t want to talk about it either.
It’s easier to numb it …
Drugs, Sex, Food and Exercise can be used to not feel stuff. People get fucked up everyday with no regard for tomorrow, and will use any drug they can get their hands on.
Sex, Food and Exercise can temporarily change your nervous system state. If your body is too busy enjoying the bliss of a good after-fuck, digesting your favorite cheat foods or recovering from some High Intensity dumb-assery at your local gym, you don’t have to feel the pain of your emotions, you’ll feel something else instead (temporarily).
Which is why we have so much chaos in the world, to be honest. Nobody is dealing with the conflict in their own lives, they’re running from it.
Into your lap …
Shit rolls down hill, correct?
Oh, maybe you didn’t know, but, if you look at how gravity works for our plumbing systems, you’ll see that when you poop, it goes down, and around, and around some more, when flushed. Thus, turds ‘theoretically’ would roll (if a turd could roll) downhill, if you just stood at the top of a hill and dropped a round dookie there instead of on the John, or toilet, depending where you’re from.
And since everyone has been passing off their shit, (think – nobody gets along now) you now get to deal with it and eat some shit sandie’s (sandwiches).
Taste good? …
I’ve found it’s easier to tolerate extricating my own poop than having to digest somebody else’s crap. Truth is, it’s not at all easy to own your own shit. It’s just easier than the alternative.
However, who the fuck thinks life, with all our problems, should be easy? That’s not even realistic in a fairy tale, so, let’s understand what we have here. A chance to make it easier, not easy …
There’s not a dress rehearsal …
If you have problems, it’s a sign that you’re alive. And if you’re alive, you can find a way to tolerate a little more today, than you did the day before because you have the knowledge of knowing what sucked yesterday, and not doing quite as much today.
Life is hard, my friend, and even still, somedays, it makes me think about taking my brother’s path, end it all, and be done with this pain. I’m not sure how to unknow that my brother died by suicide, and now my brain knows a way out of the day to day pain. It would only take a momentary lapse in judgement to make a decision I couldn’t get back.
Why don’t I?
Because I don’t actually know if death will be better than life, or simply the next extension of it. I’m not convinced death is bad, I just believe life, mine, for example, can be better. And since I’m still here, I know I can, and will, take another crack tomorrow.
Granted, I may not wake up tomorrow, like one of my friends recently who went to sleep next to his wife, and didn’t wake up. He was 46.
However, I do know that if I can make it through one more night, tomorrow will be better than today … because I’m in it, and if you made it through the night, that much better. Just know you can always come back to this as a reminder on the bad days …